The True Identity of Jango Fett (humor)
by solojones
Summary: It's the height of battle in "Attack of the Clones." But what happens when the true identity of one of the characters is revealed, and it's not who anyone expected?


Disclaimer: Star Wars doesn't belong to me. Kevin Spacey does... oh all right, not him either... or anyone else. Everything in the world belongs to George Lucas, apparently.  
  
Summary: It's the height of "Attack of the Clones"- the battle on Geonosis. But what happens when the identity of one of the characters is revealed... and it's not who anyone expected?  
  
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A battle is raging between the Jedi and the forces of Count Dooku on Geonosis. Down in the arena, Jedi Master Mace Windu has come face to face with bounty hunter Jango Fett...  
  
Jango fires once at Mace. Deflected. He fires again, and again Mace's lightsaber knocks it down. Mace is coming closer. Two more shots, and no hit. Now Mace is only feet away from Jango. In a swift movement, Mace slices Jango's blaster in two. Mace raises his lightsaber, and swings it down at Jango's neck...  
  
But Jango sees it coming. He ducks and rolls to the ground. He stops, aims his armored wrist at Mace, and fires a cable at his legs. The cable wraps itself around Mace's legs. Jango smiles beneath his helmet, and gives the line a hard tug.  
  
Mace comes crashing to the ground, but in a moment, he's slices the line and he's back on his feet again. Jango has just enough time to leap to his feet. Mace stands ready with his lightsaber... Jango pulls out a spare blaster, and twirls it around his finger in a deft movement. He tilts his head to one side.  
  
Jango: All right, Jedi. Let's settle this thing.  
  
Mace: No one attempts to assassinate a Senator of the Republic, and gets away. Prepare to meet your end, bounty hunter.  
  
Mace charges at Jango, but Jango ignites his jetpack and flies into the air. He goes a little too high, though, and hits the ground hard. He rolls a few times, and his helmet flies off. He lies on the ground, face up, in a stunned stage. Mace turns around, and charges at his fallen enemy, with his lightsaber held high.  
  
Mace: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh-  
  
His battle cry stops abruptly. He skids to a halt, and stares at the man on the ground. His face suddenly looks confused.  
  
Mace: Kevin?  
  
Jango coughs a little, and props himself up on one elbow. We see that it is actually Kevin Spacey. He squints as he looks up at his former attacker.  
  
Kevin: Sam? .... what the hell are you doing here?  
  
Sam smiles, closes his lightsaber, and offers a hand to his fallen friend. Jango takes it and pulls himself up.  
  
Sam: Well I'm a Jedi, and I'm here defending the galaxy against evil.  
  
Kevin gives Sam a cautious look.  
  
Kevin: Sam, I think all this Star Wars stuff has gone to your head, my friend.  
  
Sam: What about you, Jango.  
  
Kevin: Hey, I get to be the badass with all the cool weapons. I'd be a fool to turn that down.  
  
Sam smiles and shakes his head. He suddenly sees something out of the corner of his eye.  
  
Sam: Duck!  
  
Kevin quickly ducks, as a severed head of a Jedi flies past him.  
  
Kevin: Oh, thanks. This place is chaos, pure pandemonium.  
  
In the background, droids and Jedi battling it out fiercely can be seen. All the blaster bolts somehow miss Kevin and Sam.  
  
Sam: Hey... are you a clone?  
  
Kevin: No, no, no. I'm the original. They're the clones.  
  
He points to a landing spacecraft. Dozens of white armored clone troopers pour out and began shooting every droid in site. Sam looks at them, then back at Kevin.  
  
Sam: Wait, so you're telling me that... all of those Clone Troopers, they're all clones of you?  
  
Kevin: Pretty slick, huh? Unfortunately, the army doesn't really belong to me but, hey it's a good legacy. And I made a ton of money off of it.  
  
Suddenly, Natalie Portman runs over to where Kevin and Sam are standing.  
  
Natalie: Kevin... Kevin Spacey?  
  
Kevin: The same.  
  
Natalie: But... I thought some guy from New Zealand was playing Jango?  
  
Kevin: Well, he was, until I decided that I wanted to and well, if you're George Lucas, who do you pick?  
  
Natalie: Good point...  
  
She sees Sam's lightsaber; closed and clipped to his belt.  
  
Natalie: Sam, you're supposed to be fighting! We're going to have to do the scene over again!  
  
Sam: Well I was fighting, but then I ran into Kevin. I haven't seen him in a while.  
  
Natalie: That's right, you guys were in "The Negotiator" together! I loved that movie.  
  
Kevin: It was fun. Something different.  
  
Natalie: Hey, did you mention something about clones?  
  
Kevin: Yeah. All the Clone Troopers are clones of me.  
  
Sam: But even with their advanced growth rate, they're still at the age of about 20... right Kevin?  
  
Kevin: Yeah, and there are a few million back on Kamino that are still kids... but in about 5 years they'll be adults, too.  
  
Natalie stares at Kevin.  
  
Natalie: Wait... so all those clones... are of you?  
  
Kevin: Yeah.  
  
Natalie's jaw unhinges a little, then she rushes over to the nearest Clone Trooper. She taps him on the shoulder, and he turns around.  
  
Natalie: Excuse me just a moment.  
  
Natalie proceeds to remove the Clone Trooper's helmet.  
  
Young Kevin: Hey! What the hell!  
  
Natalie removes his helmet to reveal a 20-year old Kevin. Her eyes widen.  
  
Natalie: This must be a dream!  
  
Young Kevin: What are you talking abou-  
  
Young Kevin is cut off by Natalie pulling him into a kiss. He's shocked at first, but then he relaxes and kisses back.  
  
Sam: You're such a Don Juan, Kevin.  
  
Kevin: Taught the kid everything he knows.  
  
Hayden Christensen, who has been continuing his battle, looks over and sees Natalie. He immediately stops, and runs over to her.  
  
Hayden: Natalie, what are you doing!  
  
Natalie reluctantly pulls away from Young Kevin.  
  
Natalie: What does it look like?  
  
Hayden: But... but I'm the only one you're supposed to kiss. It's in my contract clause! George Lucas promised me!  
  
Natalie: Oh, quit whining. You're starting to sound like Mark Hammil.  
  
Natalie takes Young Kevin by the hand and leads him over to one of the landed spacecraft. She whispers something in his ear, and he smiles, then heads for the pilot's seat.  
  
Natalie: Hey, guys!  
  
About 20 Clone Troopers hear her, and turn around. She waves at them, and motions for them to come on board. They all look at each other for a moment, then turn and sprint toward the space craft. The craft takes off. All the Clone Troopers remove their helmets to reveal 20 more young Kevins. Natalie grins, and waves good-bye to everyone on the ground.  
  
Hayden: No! No no no! That's not how it goes. This movie is ruined!  
  
Sam and Kevin ignore Hayden and wave good-bye to the departing craft. Then they turn back to each other.  
  
Sam: I don't know about you, but all of this Jedi stuff can make a man thirsty.  
  
Kevin: Well why don't we swing by Tatooine and stop at Mos Eisley. Maybe we'll run into Harrison Ford and he'll buy us a drink.  
  
Sam: That sounds like a good idea.  
  
Sam and Kevin turn and walk out of the arena, stepping over the dead bodies and dismembered droids, as the screen fades to black and the credits roll.... 


End file.
